I Know You

I know you. All layers of your being, I watch you float through life almost as if you are in a constant daze, I observe you as you remain stagnant and give up control of yourself without so much as a struggle. You are unfamiliar with these aspects of your subconscious mind but I know them like the back of my hand. I’ve become so familiar with them over the years that I can almost predict down to the second when you go back into your “safe” space, that little corner of your heart and of your mind where you hide from yourself; hide from your deepest fears, from your strongest emotions, your heartache and your pain, from your traumatic experiences and that sinking feeling in your gut that has become all too familiar to you in one lifetime.

You hide because you are afraid of others picking up on these little truths. You hide because you are afraid of coming face to face with yourself and how all of this has shaped you. You hide because you are afraid of your own reflection, but what you don’t realize is that I know you. I see all of you, as though I am standing right next to your reflection, standing in all of your likeness, made up of so many similar pieces as you, I AM you. We are one in the same, except different in two very important ways – I am not afraid of my darkness, while you hide from yours. And that scares you, it terrifies you. It questions everything you’ve told yourself to be true. It threatens the very basis of your being, the complacency you have with life and the dependency you have on your camouflage.

You are afraid to feel anything. Because any time you did, it crushed you, it suffocated you. So now, you put yourself in situations where you don’t have to. You don’t let yourself feel, you don’t even let yourself THINK about how you don’t let yourself feel. But what you may not realize is, is that those are the moments in life that create us. We are all made up of our own unique darkness, our own stories. Without them, we are nothing. And without them, well, we couldn’t create our own light. So there you are, swaying on the edge of two extremes. You don’t realize that by hiding from your darkness you are hiding from your light, and you never experience anything. No joy, no wonder, no love and no strength. You are just there, lost in the gray, barely existing. It’s almost amusing to witness because it’s just all so damn predictable.

I know you. I know you better than you know you. I see you so clearly and frankly it scares the shit out of you. But, something else I know, is that you are so much greater, so much BETTER, than this limbo you allow yourself to exist in. I know your strength and I know that one day, you will know it and embrace it, too.

It was just a coincidence – or was it?

“I do believe in an everyday sort of magic — the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence, when we think we’re alone.”
― Charles de Lint

Have you ever experienced synchronicity? A coincidence so great you could not use your logic to rationalize it away? Sure, sometimes we may find ourselves looking for meaning in the meaningless in order to justify an emotion or to feed our inner doubts – but I think each and every one of us have experienced a moment so miraculous that it stopped us in our tracks. Maybe, even as you’re reading this, you remember a time where it happened to you. For example, maybe you were thinking about a person from your past driving home one night from a gathering, wondering how you let them fall away from your grasp and as the thought crossed your mind a specific song came on the radio that seemed to correlate with your thoughts, perhaps it was that particular person’s favorite song or it represented a moment in time you shared with them. Whether or not it’s true, these coincidences seem to rip us away from time itself, because it feels as though they come from a place beyond something our human minds can understand.

As I type this I chuckle to myself because I’ve had moments like this happen pretty often that I could honestly write a book about them. One incident really stands out in my mind, in fact it wasn’t one incident but multiple over the course of a day. I remember it so vividly, after it happened time kind of stood still and it ended up shaping my perspective on the “supernatural”, or just plain bizarre, things that we humans encounter. I used to work at a telemarketing place, the job was so boring and most of my shift was spent doing word search puzzles at my desk to help pass the time a little more quickly. The computers automatically called people from a list of a billion names and I would just have to talk if someone happened to answer. I had bought a giant book of word search puzzles, over 100 of them – as I sat at my desk, I started to do these puzzles and found myself deep in thought, because of course, no one answers telemarketing calls.

Different thoughts would cross through my mind, but they all ended up coming back to this person. You could argue that because I was thinking about them, I was also subconsciously looking for their name in the puzzles after I noticed it once. But, this person’s name was in every puzzle I did that day. At first, it was just their first name. “Oh, that’s weird! So and so’s name is in this puzzle!” I would think, as I circled it thinking it was just a funny little “coincidence”. I would complete that puzzle and move to the next, finding their name again almost immediately. It would be there, plain as day, and I circled each and every one. Diagonal to the right, horizontal, vertical and backwards – there it was, taunting me, as if the universe was playing some elaborate joke on me that day. I would check to make sure their name wasn’t in the list of words to find and in every puzzle, it wasn’t ever anywhere close to any of the words I was supposed to be finding. Even though it was strange, I didn’t really think much of it until the last puzzle I was on before I was interrupted by a phone call.

Their full name, first and last. Going diagonal up and to the left of the puzzle, I stared at it for a good five minutes. How was this possible? I felt chills on my arms as I tried to find a logical explanation, but it escaped me. I picked up my pen and slowly started to circle the word. At that moment, someone answered the telemarketing call. I hear a man’s voice in my headset – “Hello?” they said.

Like a jolt, I was brought back to my senses and looked up, preparing to take the call. As I look at my computer screen, my jaw drops. There it is again – their full name staring back at me from my screen. My computer had called a person with the same exact first and last name as this person who kept popping up in my thoughts that day, and coincidentally, my word search puzzles as well. Needless to say, I was too shocked to respond and the man ended up hanging up on me. “Freakin’ weirdo” he probably thought as he hung up the phone. And maybe I am, because I kept that word search book for years after this incident. Sometimes I would open it and look at that last puzzle – staring at it in awe and remembering the way it felt to have such strange things happen so closely together.

This isn’t the only thing that’s happened to me that made me take pause – in fact, I’ve experienced a plethora of synchronicities, particularly involving that same person or events that seemed to line up perfectly that place me where I need to be. Whether they happen in dreams, through music or while I’m shuffling my deck of tarot cards, there they are. Reminding me that sometimes life brings you a little glimpse, a moment where you witness that sense of connectedness within the chaos around you. Because really, that’s what we all are. We are connected and we are all key players in a bigger game, and throughout our daily lives and stress, our heartbreak and pain, we seem to forget that we aren’t here to just “exist” even though a lot of the time it feels that way. I still to this day don’t know what any of this means, just that it happens in those moments where I’m feeling particularly vulnerable or lost, it’s a little wink from something – the universe, God, aliens, whatever you fancy most. Life isn’t meaningless, in fact it holds so much more meaning than we can ever imagine if only we open our eyes to it. Or, maybe I’m just going crazy and starting to lose it – I didn’t have enough coffee today, afterall. 😉

The midst of chaos, breathes new life

So much can change in the matter of a year, months, weeks, and even days. Such is life, like a current we are forced to move along. We try to grab a hold of something sturdy, a strong foundation that can maybe keep us grounded – but alas, we fail and flounder under the waves.

That battle, as suffocating as it may be, is a necessary component to our growth. Take the past six months of my life, for example. So much has happened that I struggle to even comprehend it all, as though I can’t even keep up. Most days I feel firm and sure of its’ purpose in my experience, I feel my newfound strength bring to fruition a sense of inner peace, that everything that happens has it’s place in my world. But, other days, I don’t even know if I’m handling it properly. These days are fewer and farther in between, but still they remain, like a constant nagging in the back of my mind.

I’ve experienced a new friend commit suicide, I’ve seen death with my own two eyes occur more than once in six short months. I’ve watched the health of loved ones slowly decline, I’ve lost friends in a time where I needed one the most. But I’ve also seen good. For the friends who left me, I’ve gained new as well. I’ve reconnected with ghosts from the past, ghosts that no longer haunt me but instead greet me with a smile and warm welcome. As if my return from a long journey is complete and I am finally home. I’ve grown into my own as an adult, accomplishing life changing things that I never deemed possible, especially not while facing such adversity.

Things are actually pretty good right now. My mind frame is fresh with new inspiration, new hope, and new joy for life. I don’t believe this would be possible if I hadn’t taken my journey through the dark. We can never remain stagnant, for we would never grow. In those moments of darkness, those moments we come face to face with our inner demons and our worst fears – those are the moments that define us, test us, and reshape us. Like I said, most days I understand the purpose and reason why things have to happen the way they do. And for those I can’t, well, here I am.



“is an anomaly of self-awareness. It consists of a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation.[1] Subjects feel they have changed, and the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a “dream”. “

Peer pressure, and never being able to catch that darn Mew-Two on Pokemon for Gameboy Color.

There are many different types of peer pressure that we face from the time we are born to the time we are old and wise.  When we are young, we feel peer pressure to fit in with the other kids at school. Maybe we try to do this by attempting to beat our friends at Pokemon, and feeling pressured to catch that Mew-Two on our GameBoy Colors. (Impossible, I could never get him EVEN with the Pokemon master ball! I spent nights trying to capture him, and endlessly turning off my game without saving it so I could try over again. Bastard, I still have nightmares about being the only child playing the GameBoy game at recess unable to capture him. I always offered to link up my GameBoy with someone else so maybe they would trade me their hard earned Mew-Two for my Onyx. I was not a very effective sales person.)

No matter who you are, you will always face different kinds of pressures and feel obligated to make a choice within that pressure. Throughout school, I was not very well liked. I did not have many friends, and I still wonder if maybe that was because they all knew and could sense that I was the only one who wasn’t able to get my grubby little pixelated Ask Ketchum avatar hands on that Mew-Two in the video game. No matter the reasons, though, I didn’t have many friends. Despite one of my best friends from school, Katie, whom I am very lucky to have in my life to this day, there were a few people that maintained a friendship with me only outside of school. These people would ignore me in classes and during the school day, then send me instant messages asking to hang out in “secret” after school ended for the day. Now, please don’t get me wrong in my mentioning this. I do not hold any grudges to these kids because of the secret they wanted their friendship with me to be. I hope it doesn’t come across that way, because that would be the complete opposite of my intention and my genuine feelings on this subject.

Peer pressure is hard to deal with, especially in high school when we were growing up but impressionable and still trying to find a way to fit in. We all have had to find our own way to deal with peer pressures the best we knew how, and none of us are innocent in that we haven’t ever given in to some form of pressure or another. I definitely was not always innocent in my attempts to handle newly discovered peer pressure. Neither were they, and neither were you. That’s the beautiful thing about being human and growing from our experiences though, no matter which hand we were and will be dealt in our lives. We grow in our experience every day. Something I want to strive to do everyday I’m alive is to learn from experience, learn humility and empathy, and learn inspiration and compassion in that experience. I want to share these experiences with others, and I want others to share theirs with me.

Humanity needs to open up its mind a little more everyday, and the power of compassion and experience can change the world around us. I truly believe it’s that simple. I truly believe that something that may seem so small, in retrospect can have a most enormous impact on the way we are as humans. My whole point here, and the moral of the story, is to treat people as you would want to be treated. We hear it from so many people; our parents, teachers, a mentor, and people in the media. The Golden Rule. Don’t treat an individual differently depending on the environment you see them in. If you like someone and deep down value them in your life, whether it be an acquaintance, friend, or lover, please let them know that. Show them that their individuality is important. Treat all people the same, and don’t fear the repercussions you may receive from treating people with equality. And maybe, turn on your old GameBoy Color, and try to capture that Mew-Two one last time. You’ll be surprised at what you can do and the Pokemon you can capture if you put your mind to it.

Starry nights.

I remember as a child, maybe about ten years old, I was on my way home from a trip with Grumpy and Gramma Donna. We had driven to Virginia Beach and back over a weekend to see a cousin’s wedding. That was the first time I had ever experienced a TRUE starry night, and I remember the view vividly. I remember how excited Gramma and Grumpy were. I was sleeping in the back seat of the car, and they had woken me up so I could see the sky. Maybe that is what birthed my fascination for the universe. The sky was completely black, with tiny freckles of light spilling all over it, no light pollution to hide their shine. I don’t have my own picture from the night, but this is quite like the beauty we saw.

The view was so incredible. It felt like nothing was holding me to this planet we call Earth, nothing between my feet on the ground and the stars above. The atmosphere was hardly percievable, the contrast making it look and feel as though I could reach out and grab the stars if I wanted to. Sometimes, when the conditions are PERFECT, you can see the sky like this. Maybe you will be sitting around a bon fire with your friends on a summer night, ice cold beer in your hands, digging around for sticks to cook marshmallows on, when one of your friends exclaims “Look at the sky!”

They excitedly point out the stars, and for one brief moment, stop to gaze at them, frozen in their thoughts. It’s times like those that have made me wonder if others feel the same thing I do when looking out into the endless night sky. The same awe at the overwhelming beauty and strangeness of it. And in that moment I feel a vast connection to every human, to every animal, to every plant, mineral, cell, planet, asteroid, comet, black hole, moon…

It makes me wish that everyone around the world could stop and just look into the sky, the face of our existence. We can get so wrapped up in our daily lives, our relationships, our jobs, money, wars, violence…but maybe if every single one of us took the time to appreciate the beauty of everything around us, those things would fade into the background. We could be humbled and connected and make peace. We have this incredible gift right in front of our faces and at our leisure, and too often do we take that for granted.

“If the day and night be such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more immortal – that is your success.  All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself. “

Maybe the universe is a continuous action, never stopping the cycle.

When thinking about the universe, a lot of us become so frustrated because even though we are aware it exists, we have trouble knowing anything beyond that awareness. We know it, we know it’s there, but the reasons for that are beyond our comprehension. A lot of us are taught and believe that our existence depended on millions upon millions of occurences. Everything had to happen just so for us to even exist….stars being born, stars exploding, the singularity…all of these had to happen. If they didn’t, there is a good chance that you and I would not be here today to speculate it.

It’s baffling. All of these planets and stars had to exist at the right moment. They had to die at the right moment. Asteroids had to travel, they had to hit planets or moons around them, causing those planets to react to the collision in a VERY particular way. The quasars millions and trillions of lightyears away had to be born at the very moment they did, in order for an asteroid to collide with another planet millions of years from then. And the planet or star it collides with down the line had to exist for the asteroid to eventually hit it. That would mean that other collisions or births led the star to be born in the first place. Am I making any sense? Certain things happening, by a strange miracle, just for us to be us in this very moment.

These things interest me a great deal to the point where I ache to know more about them and try to expand the theory. Not only do stars and asteroids or planets have to collide or die for us to exist…we exist by being an incomprehensible and necessary role to assist everything in the future of the universe. Maybe we are here so that our existence influences a “goal”. A goal that perhaps happens at a point WAY into the future, causing another “goal”, and another, and another.

It’s a cycle. Maybe it is a cycle that will reach a point. And, MAYBE…the final point is the singularity.  We and the existence of the universe are constantly led throughout the cycle to always end up at the singularity, the birthing of the universe, thus continuing the cycle. Maybe the universe exists outside of time. Maybe we move forward to move backwards to move forward again. Maybe this is a cycle that MUST repeat over and over in order for the universe and everything in it to continue existing. So if the cycle came to an end, there wouldn’t be anything at all. Maybe the things in the cycle are co-existing in the same instance instead of past, present, and future.

Try to wrap your head around that, I for one am getting a thinking cramp trying to attempt this. I just kept getting more and more confused typing this.